I talk about women on here too much. So...for today's installment we gonna see if i can avoid that topic....
About 2 years ago , during my EXTRA tumultuous freshman year , I came home for winter break. I start having a conversation with my mom , and somehow one of my fatal flaws comes up.
My entire life , I have fled the spotlight.
Now...a good 2 years later...it's still a problem.
Now I know...most people dont have this issue. Most people don't get close enough to the eyes of many to ever feel that way.
As cocky as i may be ( a quality about me that gets totally overblown), i HATE talking about myself. Girls(that don't count as a mention) , the radio show , anything I got done at school, sports accomplishments...nothing. I hate talking about it.It's to the point I'd rather discuss shit I suck at than discuss my strengths.
I'm a grown ass man....but i JUST stopped taking compliments in such a childish way. My face used to get hot , I looked down or away , then I fumbled out a thanks. This was my routine for everything from "that was a great speech" to "youre gorgeous" (to this day i think she was trippin that night...GORGEOUS?).
But why is it??
Because Im insecure. I'm insecure as shit...and so are you. I just choose to say it. I used to get tortured in elementary and middle school. Ugly , clumsy , whatever....i heard that shit. At this point in my life , I know I'm far from either of those insults ; but the residual damage doesn't go away. When people show love , 75 % of the time I'm waiting for the sneak jab/punchline. Issue is....most of the love shown is legit. My cynical viewpoint doesn't give a damn about all that though.
I've come along way. Nowadays I just don't care ; I go where anyone can see me and i do what i do. If anyone feels any sort of way...they either can go die or keep it to themselves. Still I feel limited ; as if i could be so much better in every facet of my life. My radio show should be alot better than what it is ; I should play alot more ball and work out more;I would say I should go harder in school but...I did go hard...I just happened to fail a class I REALLY needed.
Hopefully in all this time on winter break....I figure out what my next drastic move needs to be....
I know this post was a little all over the place...I'd apologize but this is my E-diary...if i wanna have a lil brain vomit on the page....thats life.
Streetlights - Kanye West
Sums my feelings up almost perfectly.
See y'all later....
EDIT: this post is slightly depressing already but I had to state this...
RIP to dude who died from the ODU football team (Osric Robinson)...He asked me and my dude(or maybe it was just my dude...iforgot) about some stuff we were doin in the gym...Seemed like a cool cat...Saw him around multiple times.
What gets me about it is ....i don't even know fam like that. But to know he's gone forever like that...is wild. Caught me off guard. Had me thinking about the mortality of those around me that I love...and my own.A lot of my fellow Monarchs are hurt by his death , which tells me he was a good dude. All of y'all hold ya head...
With that said....say everything you must while you still have the breath to do it. Don't stress over wack shit....Live cause tommorrow ain't promised. RIP to that man.
